So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I got inside last night via doggy door
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
