They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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