woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
