This is not my ceiling
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
