mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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