Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
