apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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