I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
