there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
