she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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