Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
