I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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