My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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