I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
