Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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