If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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