why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
