I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
But i just feel like he will pull it out and ill panic. I mean its fairly basic. Up and down. But i feel like ill just freak out.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
