don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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