Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
