I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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