You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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