Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I love you. Go after that dick
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
