There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
