I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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