The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
