Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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