no you cant smoke seaweed
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
