please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
