so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I wish you could order shots online.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Enjoy the penises
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
