Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
