I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
