Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Randomize
