how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Come see our sink grown plant.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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