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I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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