when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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