Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
