Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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