Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
