I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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