It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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