So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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