i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
