well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Randomize
