I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
