i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
