u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
