literally had 100 drinks last night.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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