My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
