I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
