She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
