I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize