How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
