Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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