I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
