uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
