lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
A bitchslap is in order.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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