I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
