Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
