We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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