just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I just sharted jello shots
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
