My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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