I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Randomize
