It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
